The Party Ecosystem - Part II

So there we were at the taxi stand. No one standing still and no one talking straight, There was MsHeineken, MsBehaving, Roberto, Mark, me and O (henceforth known as the Big O.) Mark already put 2 other unimportant guys and 2 more drunk girls in a cab to his place and Roberto got into the next cab. I gestured to MsHeineken and MsBehaving to go ahead into the cab. They climbed in, fully exposing MsHeineken’s left boob and right buttcheek. O smiled, nodding towards MsHeineken and said

O: Nice.

Me: (realizing he’s talking about MsHeineken) Well, get into the cab then.

O: (turns and looks at me) awww… you’re mad at me. *jabs a finger in my ribs*

Me: No, I’m not. Why would I be?

O: (looking innocent and baring his palms up skywards, shrugging dramatically) I can’t look at something that’s nice?!

Me: you can’t, you dirty dog! You just won’t give up until I have the fake tits you’ve always wanted, would you?! *people in the queue turned around*

We both laughed.

Mark: You guys coming?

O: Yeah, just give the cab driver the address, I’ll take her there.

Mark: It’s ok. I’ll come with you guys.

O: If you like mate.

Mark: Yeah, seems I like what you like.

*rawr* Now, work your imagination and imagine we’re now in the dry grasslands of the savannah dessert. I was the piece of fresh, red meat of a wildebeest hanging from the trees where I have just been flung onto. The vultures are eyeing the raw piece of dinner, but the eye-contact duel between the hungry young lion and the veteran leopard kept them at bay.

***

We got to a swanky apartment, a cat swing away from town. It was dimly lit and badly furnished in the way most apartments were when in a hurry to be rented out to expats who think anything oriental denotes an exotic appreciation of taste. The 3 minute cab ride had caused all traces of alcohol in me to magically vanish and by this time, Mark was majorly losing points. It was like I was coming down after a wild, trippy ride on the joyluckbus and everything that was dream-like, neon-shadowed and full of stardust a nano-second ago was now a stark, bright, revolting greenish-yellow. Mainly because I heard MsBeHaving utter the words that would cause even Bob Marley to sober up.

MsBeHaving: Babe… I need to … to…. throw uuuuuuuup

Swift as a Suzuki, I guided her to the toilet, pulled her hair back and gave her a nice long rub on the back, my face in a crumpled grimace, afraid of what is to come.

She: orrrrrr weeennnggghhhh

Me: *holds my breath*

She: orrggghhhhhhhHHHH orGH… ORGHHHhhh

Me: *still holding my breath, wondering “whythefuckme? Whythefuckme?”

She: ORGHhhhh… babe, (she said in tears. I reckon it was the gagging) Phil and I… arrrrr arrrrrgghhhhh over rrrrrrrghhhhhh!!!!

Me: Ok ok… there there… try not to talk. Shall I get u a glass of water?

She: I’mmm oookay. No, not Phil, I mean Rookie… hai (she let out a sigh)

Me: (I deflected, but I still caught a whiff of her breath. Argh! gross! Kill me! I imagine my blackened lungs pointing a middle finger at me)

She: (more sighing) I think Rookie’s just not proactive…

Me: okay… erm, can we get out? I don’t think this is the best place to be pouring your soul out. (laughing at my own pun)

She: He’s just… hai… it’s been so long already (them sleeping with each other), and he’s never made a move (to take it to the next level), you know?

Me: Babe, it’s all at Borders in the self-help section. I quote: “He’s just not that into you”

damn, I’m mean when I’m drunk.

She: oooorgghhh my god. I’m drunk. Orrrgh…. Can we go???

Me: What? It was your idea to come! And I got 2 cute guys out there! And we just got here! And you want to go! What the fuck?!?!

She: okok. we stay…. Orrrgghhh…

Minutes later, we emerged from the puke infested toilet – looking fabulous, no less. By now, the party had taken on a life of its own. A couple was snogging on one side of the living room while another girl sprawled on the sofa – snoring like a pig. Ms.BeHaving looked set to join her. The rest were at the dining table having a rather intellectual conversation about the “pressure of every 30 yr old Singaporean to get married” and the guys were busy winding Ms, Heineken up.

FYI, Ms.Heineken is not the sharpest crayon in the box, nor the brightest bulb in IKEA, nor the hottest girl in Attica. She can be highly defensive and deadly boring to talk to.

Mark: I bet it’s because he knows that you will stop giving him sex after he proposes. – and steal all his money

Ms Heineken: no.

Mark: of course it is. Singaporean girls – u just want to get married to a rich man

Ms Heineken: no, that’s not true. I DOWAN to get married!

Mark: oh please! You’re dying to. He just never asked

Ms Heineken: He HAS okay. I said no.

O: Oh really.

Ms Heineken: In fact he asked twice, (she muttered) you assholes.

O: ohhh, you. (he squinted his eyes and pointed at her) are a very angry girl. YOU however, (he pointed at me) are a happy girl. are u always so happy?

Me: haha. Stop pissing my friend off you two.

It was all very clear to me now – after 30 minutes of no alcohol and vomit air – my head was clear as the Tuscan sky. O was the more charming of the two. We have a winner.

(Overheard: The fastest ONS negotiation in the history of Xin City.)

O: Shall we leave this party?

Me: Yes.

O: Let’s go.

***

We get to his place. And THIS is what I call taste. Putting up a random vase or painting and calling it art is bullshit. O had proper oak chests and cabinets, exquisitely carved by the hands of virgin Mumbai female slaves, and some ornaments carried by the warriors of the late Roman empire. Coasters carved from crocodile skin and mats weaved by the blind shepherds of the Saharan oasis – or so, I like to think. He had at least 50 visible pairs of shoes all neatly lined up. He had the latest gadgets a man could possible surround himself with and he even had wholewheat bread and green tea in the kitchen.

Basically, I like him and he can do no wrong.

So even though he served me water from a 1.5l mineral water bottle (not evian) and even though I saw a pirated DVD peeking out from his collection, and even though he didn’t rinse the kettle before putting it to boil, it was all very “rugged” to me. Yes, I am so very biased.

You are a sexybeast until proven flaccid.

He made me green tea and we spoke more. He told me about his love for football and I totally impressed him with my knowledge. (Read Football Diaries) I told him about my yoga classes and he made me promise him I’d give him a private viewing. He told me about his semi-retirement plan to quit the job and I promised to keep it a secret. I told him about Roberto saying “Keezzz mee” and he leaned over and kissed me.

Me: NO…! I’m saying RO-BER-TO said… “Keeezzz meee”

He: *kisses me again*

Me: *pushing him away* nooooo…

He: But you just said to kiss you?!?! *he shrugged in innocence again*

Me: I said. ROBERTO. Your Italian friend. said “Keezz mee”

He: *kisses me* you said it again *kisses me more*

Me: stop kissing me, or I’ll write an email to your company and rat on your plan to quit

He: but you promised not to

Me: No I didn’t.

He: How about I do something for you and you promise not to tell?

Me: ok. How about you dance for me?

He: How about you shut the fuck up, you chatterbox? *he presses my lips together*

Me: *struggled free* How about you show me a football trick, little puppy?

He: ok! *suddenly excited* I’ll show you a card trick. *like he stumbled on a great idea, and he sped off to get a deck of cards*

He proceeds to show me the coolest.fucking.card.trick in the world! Somewhere, 5 apartments away, a tortured maid could hear me scream

Me: FUCK OFF!!! OH MY GAWD! U FUCKING DEVIL! HOW DID U FUCKING DO THAT? UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE! You’re Satan. Hang on hang on… you couldn’t have… I was watching you… but then again… but no… HOW HOW HOW? SHOW ME AGAIN!! Please! you.have.to you.have.to!!!

He: *shakes his head satisfyingly and kissed me again* now u promised to promise.

I was totally charmed. Truth be told, I have seen fucking cool card tricks before and I know, I know, that it can all be explained and only Houdini and Jim Morrison, and some say my Crazy Auntie Lucy really possessed magical powers. But he was just sooooo fucking charming in the way he dealt the cards; the way he held each one up; the way he took my hand to hold the card while he shuffled; the way his eyes burrowed deep into mine to catch me trying to peek… I could replay his icy magician stare in my head all day. THAT, boys and boys – is foreplay.

One motherfuggin sexy helluva foreplay.

It was 6.50am

The sun was threatening to creep up and expose all the tension we have spent the last 5 hours building up. In an instant, all the things kept sexy by the night sky would soon be blasted by the brightness of the day and made silly by the clarity of it all.

The bewitching hour was over.

It was time.

His kisses became a harder, and mine just got hungrier. The cheeky little ones planted a minute ago, that was meant to tease, taunt and torment, were now becoming seriously hot and bothered. Each grip felt tighter, each brush more deliberate, and each kiss lasted longer, than the last… the heat was on. I tugged fiercely at his shirt, drawing myself close… but only close enough to him to keep him at bay – the ritual of pulling his lust close only to push his eagerness away was something that always drove me over the edge. “Put your hands away and take your dress off” he said, ever so rash to be in control… and with my eyes fixed on him and a smile tugging the corner of my lips, like his ten other requests, I shook my head from left to right in the most excruciating pace I could muster. “Come on…” he gently coaxed. And still I wouldn’t budge.

And if there’s something that beats watching someone be reduced to a desperate state of yearning by you, it is when you witness them snap right out from it - like an injured leopard, cheating death, by making a final attack. O knew the game exactly. He didn’t want to take any more of my nonsense like a horny schoolboy.

In all Calvin Klein perfume ad seriousness, he took me by my wrists as if to say enough is enough, and strappingly peeled them off his shirt and hoisted them above me – pinning me down, rendering me powerless, and said gruffly,

“Let's quit fucking around, shall we?”

Underneath it all, I could tell he was a tender, passionate lover. But the idea of if was too gay for him to admit. With his one free arm, he held me down by my ribs, easing his weight on me. He kissed me on the neck and kissed me on the ears… All my words of protests he knew were meant to be music to his ears, and all that struggling to break free merely served to remind him that he was in control. He definitely appreciated me returning his gestures, but he was sure to let me know that he knew just how to work a girl. So even though my two hands pinned above me were struggling to break free, only mock pressure was needed, because he and I both knew

That I wasn’t going to go anywhere…

at least nowhere he didn’t intend for me to.

That’s what nature has always been about. That some must die in order for others to live; that losing a sheep could mean perpetuating another species. – The sustaining ecosystem. Now I know why wildlife photographers don’t burn in hell even though they sit there in their digital SLRS and snap at the process of death. Because really, they are capturing life. And it’s all part of nature.

Why am I cryptic all of a sudden, you ask?

Because, for the analogy-challenged, the veteran leopard sinking his teeth into my neck and going for the kill, equates to when I was begging O to stop playing and start humping. When that happened, nature had it that a loud bang was to be administered by a nearby hunter. i.e. Our about-to-happen love making was cut short when I knocked over his namecard holder on to the floor, with a plastic-sounding “clack”. I caught a glimpse of his name, but more importantly, his company.

My life was sucked out of me, the same way a leopard drains his victim of blood.

O’s company works with mine. We're work associates!

All rationality came charging into me like Robinson Sales transactions to my credit card. For months, we have been on emails!!! and someday we will more than virtually meet. I was incredible horny, but not horny enough to let my professional reputation be jeopardized by one.maybe.orgasm. Plus, I could already imagine the enjoyment of mentally undressing each other for the first time if we ever met in the boardroom someday.

Sleeping with him now would ruin it. And I’m all about the moments.

So again, the cock teaser of Xin City strikes.

“I’m hungry”

He looks at me, studies me for a while, making a mental bet if he should carry on making out with me; whether by ‘hungry’, I meant “hungry for food”, or “hungry for meat”… if I was testing him, and if I was just being a big tease, and most importantly, if I was worth it.

O: “Let’s get you something to eat then”

Me: “I’ll have a vodka tonic and a poached salmon”

O: “Done.”

And he did it! No questions asked. I had a full spread. Poached salmon, lemon butter herb sauce, baby spinach salad dressed in balsamic vinaigrette, and a juice, instead of the vodka. I attacked the food like a Neanderthal while he sat there. He took one long drag on his cigarette and said,

“You must have a boyfriend. Or you’d be in my pants by now.”

I stopped eating, wiped my mouth and said

“I like to eat slowly – at my own pace.”

And he repeated.

“You must have a boyfriend.”

The Party Ecosystem

An ecosystem is a natural and functioning unit consisting of all living organisms and non-living factors in an area interacting with each other.

Central to the ecosystem concept is the idea that living organisms are continually engaged in a set of relationships with every other element that makes up the environment in which they exist.

Introduction of a new element(s) into an ecosystem has been known to impose a disruptive effect. In some cases, this can lead to ecological collapse - i.e. resulting in the death of many species – of the said ecosystem.

Often, however, ecosystems have the ability to rebound from a disruptive agent. This ‘rebounda-bility’ is determined by two factors - the toxicity of the introduced element and the resiliency of the original ecosystem.

Now children, let’s apply what we’ve learnt about the ecosystem to the natural habitat that is home to many a heterosexual and intoxicated homo sapiens – Attica.

On any given Saturday night, the club’s a-pumping, drinks are a-flowing and people are a-prowling. At the top of the food chain… there’s me (and possibly hundreds of others) - taking in the delicious sights and smells characteristic of a club in premium mating season; I’m swaying to the dark base which is pounding and thumping to the beat of my hunger; Interacting with the elements that form the core of my existence - Alcohol.Music.Men. I want to beat my chest and let out a triumphant cry, but I got more important things to do. On a night like this, say around 11pm, the grassland ecosystem of the hot and dry savannah is in full view and about to be challenged… lazy cats come out of hiding, nonchalantly giving their faces a new lick of life and lust. The dry, cracked grass threatens to burn and sizzle as the heat spirals out of control. - And then there’s silence - A pregnant silence, before a loud thud pumps liquid freshness into the room and drums a shade of neon green across the land. Suddenly, we are in the heat of the tropics. There are tigers and monkeys, and crickets and bees, and bushy-tailed things hanging from fat juicy trees.

That’s when the club has reached FULL HOUSE status.

By now, any self-respecting ecosystem would have maintained a patterned behaviour. The weak have already been eliminated - knocked out by earth’s natural litmus test – vodka. And the strong are left standing, actually, circling, their injured quarry. One by one, a hunter finds a prey, someone drops like a fly, and a cheetah sinks its teeth into a slow bird’s neck. The onlookers know not to interfere with nature and the cycle is a sustaining complete one – a natural, functioning, ecosystem

So there I am, interacting with the surrounding species and elements, like nature has prescribed, via the Natural Selection Process. I have a vodka tonic in one hand and the other one’s waving at the bartender, telling him that I can taste no vodka. And along comes a guy – hunter or a prey?

He: soooh wat eeeeezs yo nammeee?

Me: XX

He: wat eeeezs det?

Me: XX

He: oh, XX, eeew haf deee sam nam mer azzz mai axe garl friend der.

(you have the same name as my ex girlfriend)

He’s Italian. And a very bad hunter.

Me: Oh, Is that right? Is she pretty?

He: aye teller ew one tzing, awride, shingapor re gerl, all verrry prredddy ya, but dei brake ke my hart te.

(I tell you one thing, alright, Singapore girl, all very pretty ya, but they break my heart)

Me: Aw…. You poor thing!

He: yezzz… aye amm veddy upset, but I steeeel believ ve in love ve.

(yes, I am very upset, but I still believe in love.)

Me: That’s good *rolls eyeballs takes a long sip*

slight pause

He: ew arrr veddy vedddy, fem-meee-nin-ne.

(You are very very, feminine)

Me: Oh, thanks.

He: eww, arrr adreal woooo-marn-o

(You are a real woman.)

Me: Erm… thanks?

He: all deeee odder woooman-o ere… rrr veddy preddy… butz no one fem-meee-nin-ne likey yew.

(All the other women here are very pretty but no one feminine like you.)

Me: *in a half frown, trying to interpret his accent* hahaha. Oh, thank you again.

He: I run a rezztah ront ta, wen eww can, kum by ya. Eww an eeyor preeeddy girlfriendzz, I tayke carrie of eww.

(I run a restaurant, when you can, come by, you and your pretty girlfriends, I take care of you)

Me: Oh, sure! Where is that?

He: Keeezs me.

(Kiss me)

Me: what? noooo.

He: kum on ah, Keeezs me.

(come on, Kiss me)

Me: noooo.

Suddenly, I was saved by a dark horse. He was strong, he was intriguing, he was enigmatic. Most interestingly, he appeared out of nowhere. He must have charged right up to us, (because that’s what I’d like to think) and confidently said, “hey Roberto, introduce your friend!” Roberto, not believing his luck rolled his eyeballs and said, “Deeezz ees XX” I stretched out my hand, but Mr. New Guy ignored me and shouted at the bartender “Hey, one jug of JD and Coke please!”

He is the new element in the ecosystem. Disruptive, uncontrollable, and rowdy. A complete hunter, equipped with the guns.

He had my 100% attention and he knew it. Mr. Italy was like a hyena in the face of a lion, backing-off with a sheepish grin and a helpless stature.

And all that was left was the new element and me. He waited for his drink. And he looked and me. He looked past me, and gave the bartender hell again. And he looked at me again. Right into my eyes, before he gave me a quick once over. It felt like an hour of silence, both of us baiting each other.

Two hunters at the gas station.

Finally he said:

He: What are you drinking?

Me: Vodka Tonic. (he smiles) I usually order something else though, and I’ll tell you what it is, but you mustn’t laugh… (he looks interested) It’s a vodka diet coke. I call it a “Skinny Russian” (he doesn’t have a reaction, but still looks interested) and I am on a one-woman mission to spread the word to all the bars in Singapore. (he nods) probably in seven years time, you’ll see it on the menu. Then you know I’ve been successful.

He: *pulls in close to me, I could feel his breath on my face* Do you always talk so much? *slaps me on the bum*

Me: *punches him back on the chest in playful rebellion* Oi!

He: very interesting story, I like it. Tell me more.

Me: no, I should shut up. Why don’t you tell me about your dieting habits?

He: I like JD and coke, I like my salads, I like my burgers, *makes a helpless face* that’s why I look like that *lifts his t-shirt up slightly revealing his toned as washboard abs*

Me: *making a face like I wasn’t impressed even though I clearly was* you might want to switch to diet coke too.

He: what? Do you see this? *still lifting the t-shirt*

Me: yes I do babe. And this jiggly thing is not something you should be proud of, now now, let go of your hand. *and I attempted to pull his t-shirt down.*

He: Are you always so talkative and so difficult?

Me: What is your name?

He: Olivier

***rudely interrupted by Roberto who brought a friend along

Roberto: eeeeh!!! XX, meeeet maye frend de.

Friend: Hello. Nice to meet you. I am Mark. Roberto is right. you are very cute.

Me: Hi.

Roberto: Weee arrr wanting to leeeve ver this place cer. Dooo eww

Friend: Yeah, we are going to have an after-party at my place! Just round the corner! Come along! (he’s very very cute, by the way)

Me: erm, no, I don’t think so, I have to make sure my friends are ok.

Friend: You mean them? (He points to my two girlfriends, MsBeHaving and Ms.Heineken. who waves at me and start making blowjob charades moves) They already said yes.

Me: Oh, did they? Well, I, er… I am not done here… with my drink

I really meant I’m not done with Mr. Olivier new element, and with the arrival of yet another disruptive agent, it looked like this could be a potential ecosystem collapse or perhaps we could spawn a new golden age. Even Stevie Wonder could see that I really wanted to finish my chat with Olivier before jumping on this after party which had no shag-guarantee. So Mark tried to recover me before I was lost to the new element. This whole time, he just stood there studying the situation. And inside me, something was telling me I might lose my prey too. Finally,

Me: Oh, I forgot to introduce, Mark, Roberto, MsBeHaving, Ms. Heineken, this is Oliviero. Oliviero, these are my friends.

Mark: Hi, hey, you’re alright, you can come to the party too.

Me: *I did an imaginary mini-somersault of joy* oh yes, you wanna come along? They are all heading to Mark’s place for an after party.

Olivier: *leaned over and said to me* Three things (he held up three fingers) One, I’m going to break this guy’s neck, two, I’m coming because you haven’t told me your name, and Three, my name is Olivier. I don’t know who the fuck Oliviero is.

*rawr*

the alpha-male battle. Truth is, I wanted them both in one place. Makes it easier for me to decide who had more charm, charisma and cock. Mark had much toxicity in his looks, But Olivier was 10 time more resilient and just took the throne by the balls. Everything he said and did reflected the ways of a bonafide alpha-male. I was ready to have him pull me by the hair and riding me down the stairs.

He was my hunter and I was his prey.

To the after party and beyond!

(to be continued)